Call Yourself Lucky
For weeks now, I have been wallowing in bouts of depression and self-pity. Last February, my kids took entrance exams in 2 different schools where I've considered transferring them to. They did not show good results in both of the schools because they have deficiencies in reading. But School number 2 considered taking them in provided that they take summer classes. But I actually had my heart set on School number 1.
As a mother I began questioning myself, their school, even my kids (I suspected that they have some kind of dyslexia). I could not understand how my kids lagged in academics when other kids did well and were easily accepted in those schools. Every single day I was welling up in anger and depression. I was as negative as I could be--- having terrible dreams and imaginations that my kids won't be able to finish school.
Mostly I blamed myself. I had this faulty belief that since I did well in school before, all my ways then would also work with my kids now. I was more concerned that my kids enjoy their childhood to the fullest than for them to excel in school--- they are still in preschool anyways so what's the rush? I never pressured them into studying even during exams. I never hired a tutor since I myself never tried having one. I never enrolled them into summer school because for me summer should be time for fun and enjoyment and not for studying ( I have never tried summer classes except college where it's mandatory) I had so many beliefs that are sadly not applicable now.
So there, for weeks I was really depressed. I prayed hard that one day I will be able to recover from this crisis. Even though I kept on reminding myself that I'm still lucky I have fewer problems than others, it doesn't seem to work, I still become negative every now and then.
Yesterday, I turned on to this charity show on TV. I was actually only listening to the audio because I was busy cleaning my room and the bathroom. The segment was like a tribute to a man who took care of several children who wasn't even related to him. He treated them like his own because he pitied the kids whose parents died years ago and none of their relatives would like to take them in. The youngest among the brood even suffers from psoriasis (skin disease) yet he unconditionally took care of them even when he has no stable job or source of income.
I felt ashamed of myself. Here I am, feeling and thinking that I am the unluckiest person in the world and here is this man who loved these kids who weren't even his own despite of the kids' health and even with his financial status in life. He is what I truly call one true living Hero and Saint of modern day. Now this leads me even to thinking about parents whose kids suffer from autism, down's syndrome and even cancer. They would really make my problems look like a piece of cake!
Dear Lord, forgive me for being an ungrateful and complaining Christian. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I should be counting my blessings!
As a mother I began questioning myself, their school, even my kids (I suspected that they have some kind of dyslexia). I could not understand how my kids lagged in academics when other kids did well and were easily accepted in those schools. Every single day I was welling up in anger and depression. I was as negative as I could be--- having terrible dreams and imaginations that my kids won't be able to finish school.
Mostly I blamed myself. I had this faulty belief that since I did well in school before, all my ways then would also work with my kids now. I was more concerned that my kids enjoy their childhood to the fullest than for them to excel in school--- they are still in preschool anyways so what's the rush? I never pressured them into studying even during exams. I never hired a tutor since I myself never tried having one. I never enrolled them into summer school because for me summer should be time for fun and enjoyment and not for studying ( I have never tried summer classes except college where it's mandatory) I had so many beliefs that are sadly not applicable now.
So there, for weeks I was really depressed. I prayed hard that one day I will be able to recover from this crisis. Even though I kept on reminding myself that I'm still lucky I have fewer problems than others, it doesn't seem to work, I still become negative every now and then.
Yesterday, I turned on to this charity show on TV. I was actually only listening to the audio because I was busy cleaning my room and the bathroom. The segment was like a tribute to a man who took care of several children who wasn't even related to him. He treated them like his own because he pitied the kids whose parents died years ago and none of their relatives would like to take them in. The youngest among the brood even suffers from psoriasis (skin disease) yet he unconditionally took care of them even when he has no stable job or source of income.
I felt ashamed of myself. Here I am, feeling and thinking that I am the unluckiest person in the world and here is this man who loved these kids who weren't even his own despite of the kids' health and even with his financial status in life. He is what I truly call one true living Hero and Saint of modern day. Now this leads me even to thinking about parents whose kids suffer from autism, down's syndrome and even cancer. They would really make my problems look like a piece of cake!
Dear Lord, forgive me for being an ungrateful and complaining Christian. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I should be counting my blessings!
posted by Jinggay at 7:11 AM
1 Comments:
Thank you for your post. I am a Christian myself, and I have those little moments when I feel that the weight is on my shoulders -- then a Christian friend brings me back -- or I see a slice of life that just brings me to inspiration and tears. I heard in one sermon that sometimes god doesn't remove the mountains in our lives, he helps us climb them. I believe that this is a trial that God is throwing your way your a reason. Don't lose heart, you'll soon understand God's way.
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